Its written on the Sands

Lets say these days I'm playing the queen of spades, I'm fucking with a heart now, and the sick truth is I know I'm doing it. I'm promising with every kiss that I'm going to break his heart. I'm the bad one, and in retrospect maybe I've always been the bad one. I'm the one who walks away, I'm the puppet master, and I've got the past that I can't talk about. I normally wouldn't say its all me, its never been all me before, even if I've been the majority of most problems, but in this case, the only thing he's done wrong is like me too much. He's safe, he's comfort,  he's normal. And that sickens me. I want complicated, I want abnormal, I want someone who understands the world I've lived in, the fire I've grown to both love and despise in suit. And sadly, to further my transgressions, I know who could give me that, who might now be willing to give me that. I know the person who could take my hand, look me in the eyes and understand my past, the person who wont condemn me, wont hate me for the person I've been. I think I've hurt them both, I think so many stupid little things. A text here and a dream there. A drunken meeting, and a stony fight. I've got the normal life on my arm, and something I think could be real just out of reach. I took things too far, I started this relationship, but now that I'm in, I can't break out. I'm happy. I'm tired of doing the right thing, because this time I know what it is, I've got ignorance to let the past transgressions slide, I've got age to do the same. But I'm all grown up and wiser from the past, so whats my excuse? I'm tired of doing right by others, I'm tired of always thinking of them before me, but I can't I want him to be happy, I want to be the girl laying next to him in bed, I wanna be that beautiful fragile thing, because I'm happy where I sit next to him in his car. Does knowing the end of the story mean you put down the book? Do I kill us now because I know we wont have a always and ever ending? I don't know exactly what I did to deserve him, or rather not deserve but to get him, I'm not sure why he looks at me the way he does, but if he ever stopped looking at me that way I might lose my mind. I don't want to lie. I can't tell the truth. So its over?

so very pleasing, so very simple.

O_O So, my stupid writing gets me in trouble again, and for the very first time I think I can see my Mother clearly.
Her finding that stupid scholarship short story was one of the best things that could have happened. We we're able to talk about it, I was able to see her for everything she is, and she was able to see me. I told her about Xander, she knew about that before hand but being able to talk about the actual relationship was really soothing, being able to talk to her about him, in full or as full truth as I could was amazing.

I'm coming unglued,
I'm being ripped apart by this reality.
I want to be drowned softly in this life now, because there is nothing but slaughter.
8 dead.... 8, and where were you?
Xander, Zero, Theresa, Darren, Adrian, Jessie, Teranda, Jeremy.
gone, all of them... gone.
I'm broken and losing my mind.

Dont call me, dont text me, dont message me, dont try.
Not that you would,
but if you were thinking dont bother. I reached my hand out and found thin air.
You weren't there, You weren't there, and now there's nothing left for me to say.
Don't justify it, there is no justification, because we know I wouldnt do that.
Dont contact me in anyway,
I just dont want to hear it,
your voice would unlock the chaos and I just dont want to hear it,
dont call me, dont text me, dont say a goddamn thing.
These were your friends!
these were my family!
and you weren't there.
Dont bother. Its not like you would have anyway.
I told you, I told you, I said we needed to talk,
I wanted to, I needed to and you let my calls be dropped,
dont talk to me, you left me alone, I'm the one who carried their deaths!
Dont talk to me, I just wanted you to know.

Dont talk to me, at least right now, because I'm bitter and cold, dont talk t me, because I'm going mad, dont talk to me, because we drifted and are no longer relieble friends. Dont talk to me.

I just wanted to let you know, your past, my past, is being murdered in a long lost snow.

And I thought it was impossible to say Goodbye.
To distance myself from the last 5 years of my life. I did so much wrong, with the intentions always feeling right. And I just let it all go, i gave away that which I  thought/felt defined me and walked away. All of the scars, all of the truths, I walked away. And a weight lifted off my shoulders telling me it was okay, and I looked at myself once more and saw I changed. Its odd, for four years I lived for something that needed to be taken with blind faith, and though still blind everything is much clearer. What is needed to be done and what will occur.
I'm awake, and I'm not afraid of moving on any longer, I've made my choices past on my gifts and walked away.

I've been drugging myself apparently. On a simple rhythm that plays in words across my own melody.
I'm not able to grasp, anything at all to hold on to. I fell before I could even try to catch myself, and I'm losing sleep.
The things I never let myself believe could be desired, seem to be all I want.
I'm not searching for it anymore, not where it could never be, or where it isn't already.
Why so fast to chase the happily ever after? I'd get stir-crazy and ruin it anyway, so why do I run toward everything I know I'll run for?
I'm looking for a reason to walk away, and hoping he's going to say something to me. Where's Elizabeth go?
Maybe he made the decision as well. Picking sanity over me, fair trade I guess, losing a whole lot of nothing and gaining back one step towards sanity. And of course the thought is all my own, the fault is the same.
I keep playing games, is it because I'm obsessive or obsessed? The former seems more suitable, but also more flattering.
Is this how the story ends? So soon after it began, so soon after I thought I might just stay....
Aren't I just that wonderful?

I haven't never did, and possibly never will Know the true power of potential.
I'm not going to walk away, time and time again I've been reminded of it.
No matter how hard I've tried to forget.
Their always there in the back of my mind, it never ends.

I ran in part, out of my own blinded fear. I would get them killed, my lack of focus, the lack of belief in my own power. I'll get you killed if you get close enough to trust me. I don't claim to blame myself anymore for the events of my past, but somewhere deep within the core of my thoughts I do.
Another reason I can never walk away, is because they/this/that is all I know.
I can not be anyone else, I can not see from a different point because the years of my short life have all been shaped by this. By all of you.

I had a vision of sorts, and I guess child bearing isnt done with. I guess the one thing I was trying to avoid is the only truth that my short life will ever give. Her name will be Shiri. Or at least to me.

So I haven't posted in such a long time.
I've been typing all my thoughts in sordid word documents, like my poetry it fumes within the bonds of what no one can see.
This year? this long and adventures school year? What did I learn? what did I leave behind.
So many things unanswered and so much found,
But I'm going home, I'm going back to a place I never thought I'd miss. I'm going Home? am I?
I'll be back next week at this time, trying like a sodden lullaby to make it work. I'll be back and not in familiar arms like that of winter break. I'll be back in both worlds. I abandoned a lot, a vast pool of dreams, to be here. To be here. And the truth is I never left. They followed,
I tried to run away from my past. Start new, Start normal. But They had other plans, you cant walk away from memories that do not wish to be shunned.
They never left me. You never left me. Now walking blind I can see your face, you beautiful smile, I can feel your lips again and all my heart wants is that happiness. They will say I will never move, but how I move. They will see you painted in my eyes, because thats where you shall remain, a memory locked in my soul.
I wish I could say I will be seeing you. Seeing you when I enter back into that life, but no. I will do my best to avoid you. Not out of spite but a promise. We wont be seeing each other until we know.
So onto things. Here, what did I find here? Well I'll tell you I've found everything. A new philosophy that is painted in the words, a language that can not do it justice. I am disillusioned, and though painted in illusions I find myself no longer quick to accept.And they tell me its sweet, a bittersweet awakening, because I'd rather see it clear, hear it distant then be ignorant in bliss.
I'll complain about your lack of sight, I'll complain about the weakness I see. Only to show you I love you for it. I have found what I so oft to label myself.
I found confidence. I am the only thing that I am. My identity though fluid is mine. And I am all they could ever want, because I am all I know. heh Its funny to think that in all my worthiness I once that I was unworthy and yet did not realize it. I am beautiful and fuck you if you don't agree, its all a social construction so go drink your sorrows away. Image? I could careless about what you see, I will place before you what my fluid being feels comfortable in. Its all an illusion and its laughable.
I found a place where I can be comfortable in my skin, wherever I may be.
I found pastels, and a trip where no matter how ridiculous is a magical feeling. Not to be safe. Not be in my comfort zone. I found a small piece of a dream in Colorado. Lets hope that dream wont be just another illusion. But even then if it makes you happy? If it can make me this happy, is it really that bad to hold it?

I found a lot of things, and I'm sad its over, and its filled with bittersweet emotions. I'm packing up and taking my dragon back to So-Cal for about two months, and when I come back just like I left I'll never be the same.

Kiss kiss freshmen year, I'm one step closer to falling off the edge.

sigh, so lately I've been missing a lot of things from back home, primarily the chicano/a things from back home. I miss the smells of the food, and being able to hear spainish, i miss the music and everything that goes along with it. But one thing I'm starting to get upset with is people telling me I'm not mexican. I apologies for not being from Mexico, I'm sorry I dont speak spainish, but FUCK YOU I AM MEXICAN. I'm sick of being told I'm not because my skin is white, I'm sick of hearing it because I apparently dress like a white chick, Fuck all of you people who think you have some claim on this ethnic background, fuck you if you think you have right to this race. I grew up having to fight over that title and I'm sick of it, my grandparents came from Mexico I grew up surrounded in that culture so fuck anyone who wants to claim I'm not what I am. My skins to white well so-be it, maybe your beaner ass is too white. sigh...I'm so sick of it, call me a bad Mexican but dont say I'm not Mexican, dont dictate to me what my culture is...
The other thing that is annoying me is all this crap I get for being bi, now i get it I do, you dont agree with it. Okay. but dont tell me to choose a side, and dont fuckn tell me that I'm faking it.  I did pick my side, and I'm not faking it. do you really think I'd want all of this negative attention? do you think I'd want my parents to be ashamed of me? No, I've worked so hard to make them think I'm the perfect daughter, why would I fuck it up to be with a girl if I wasnt naturally attracted to her? Fuck....Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.....

So I've a very interesting week...
Nearly crashing into a park truck....
forgetting a paper...deleting a paper...yea I'm intelligent.....
shoot me....
that is all

hmmmm this seems to me to be old news. Yes? Yes.
Well until recently I haven't thought about it much, my body is my body, and as long as I'm not concerned about it, why should anyone else be right?
Well, apparently thats just not the case. I had a penpal, who just happened to be from Eureka....not much of a penpal but he was funny so I talked to him, least to say when I found out he was 29 I was like eh its no biggie, when I found out he was from Eureka I was a little ify, but he was entertaining. But a few days ago I got an email, he didn't want to talk to me anymore, so I'm like umm okay bye bye, he got sorta pissed. I got another email calling me pretentious and arrogant, and FAT, yes he called me a butterball, a little fat butterball, and i was like uhhhh okay then. I replied to him in a very educated manner, basically asking what the fuck. Then I got yet another email, this one called me bitter and again fat, and a lot of other things. So I sat and thought about it for a second. The social construct of beauty, the personal desires, and the self. I looked at myself completely naked in our mirror,and I without thinking I smiled. I like what I see, I like every inch of my body. And I dont give a fuck what anyone else thinks. I'm not skinny nor do I want to be. I'm not what you see in a movie or what anyone else wants me to be. But hell my body fits my personality. I love everyone and theres a lot here to give that love, and I'm jolly. I'm not afraid to say it. I'm big, and I dont give a shit. Yea if I loose weight thats cool, but I'm not going to go aim to loose weight I'm happy with what I look like now, change is going to happen its the Way, but I like the now, and I'll like the future.

Why am I posting this. Because well I want everyone to know that it just doesn't matter. I see so many girls at least three times smaller then me saying that they dont like themselves, and it makes me sad. Because we all suck if you're using a movie star or model as a comparison, and yea we've all heard it, we all know we should love ourselves, but hey do any of us really do it? I can say yes, because I do love myself, my body, my personality, my sexuality, my race everything that creates this worldly self I love, because its not about whats here, its about that ancient essance, whether soul or not, this is my home for right now. And I might as well love it. This flesh does so much for me, and for everyone else, so I'll adorn it with tatoos and priecings, I'll feed whatever I want, and I'll look at it with love, and with the trust that it is not me, it is just a temporary home.

I'm going to love every second in this flesh and if you dont like it, well frankly I dont give a fuck.

As Xander once told me, You are beautiful not for the flesh, but for the soul that molds this flesh, and burns with the desire of Heavan.

There is a twisted letter in my head. Plaguing the soul with words left unsaid. I don't get how you can be so high and mighty. I dont get that siren song you have playing upon the ships in your own mind. I don't get this crash and burn.
I think it steams out of language, our problems lack of words to describe this wonderment, our lack of communication with one another. If we all spoke, if we all took the time to talk, we'd all be better off.

It just angers me, annoys me, that would be the better term, how one can be so hypocritical. You look at their sad faces and think of what its doing to you. You look at their pain and comment that it sucks but you do things differently. I'm sorry, its not always about you. I'm sorry that their pain affects you in this way, but its not their fault. I wanted the wind to blow it all away, the dust that partied from that decay, I wanted to remember just the joy, and I hold the joy but I always have to ask why? Why is it so hard for others to look outside, past, their own mirror and into the world of someone else's. Pain is personal, agony is Personal, depression is Personal, it may affect the others in your life, but it is not for you to say that they should not feel it because of this. I am a firm believer in the truth behind emotions, I am a firm believer in being emotional when need be. You feel what you feel and I know how precious every moment of that is. And I am sick of you telling people that they should not feel that way, I am sick of being the only one to realize its not about what it does to you, but why its making them act that way, your questions, your concerns should go back to them, their reason, their feelings, their place before ever enters back into yours.
I want to tell you to stop being so hypocritical, but I know what that will do, I know what you will say, I know how you feel about my opinion. Which is why I just wont give it. I may not know everything, and I have never claimed to know all, but I know a lot. And what I know I know well. I wont be treated like this anymore , I just hope you can boil back to humility before it breaks. Before the ego sets in, before the rain decides not to cleanse.

I guess its time to write another letter, and have another talk, I think I have two. Lets Pray that this will bring peace and not war....

I woke up in a room, filled with incense and chanting. I remembered that day, What I found so many silences ago. I'm back to contentment and dont recall nor want to remember how I lost it. I've been writing again, I've been dancing again, hell I've been drinking again (in a good positive and um responsible manner) I started my fast again, and well I believe again.
I woke up in the eyes of a women who has given up what we would consider everything for faith. She had no hair, no shape, no exterior aid, and she was the most beautiful women I have ever seen. I wanted to get on my knees in admiration. And anyone who knows me well knows what a statement that is.
I woke up in the tears of a river, screaming insanity of a life let live. I could stand on the cliffs edge and know Nothingness is all to much. I remembered my purpose, and all those who showed the way. I remembered everything.
This isn't enough, but soon soon it will be. I wont be looking at the pills, I wont be looking at the guns barrel, I wont be distant because I'll know there is no such thing.
I finally believe I have been redeemed.

The film was not horribly disappointing, the animation was beautiful and the voices actually matched the characters and it was just awesome.
thought they did leave a lot out from the graphic novels, like Marjane's connection with God that was really disappointing, and Markus's drug addiction before the end of their relationship. The film was good though, very good. It made me want to re-read the novels but i'll leave those for K-cal until later.
um and thats all....nothing profound that i wish to speak on...oh I dis-like feminism even more now that I'm taking Womens Studies hahaha kinda ironic ain't it?

I'm waiting for things to change.
I'm waiting to feel safe and comfortable again.
I'm waiting to-
Damn it. I'm not unhappy, I'm not pissed, I'm just not there.
I think I want to go for a walk.
Or do I?
I don't know I feel like writing thats what I think. I think I feel like sitting,
writing it all out even thought I don't know what I'm writing about.
I'm disconnected, from the outside, broken from, not my internal, inside.
I can't seem to grasp everyone at once, I get annoyed by someone then I re-find their essence and lose another one.
It's not the exact of what I was hoping for, Its not the truth between myself, it's  a ruined  running game.
I'm chasing after memories. I want to  remember . But I want to verbalize my memories. Theres nothing there.
I can not speak it, I can not speak it. There is no hope left in the small field of reality that I mix in.
I can not say I'm disappointed because, though, the truth its not my life. I guess that means the same to many simple things in my life.
Its a truth that I can not grasp a truth I can not speak. Its that thing that is hanging over my head.
Mixing in an unclean euphoria, a dirty game that I can not seek. A bloody truth raining down from the sky.
That old feeling the mist that sprayed about me, kiss my skin and tasted the flood of truth that would be me.
I'm not the same now.
Everything causes an action within, its actions move me, and I change.
It might be the absence, the deep hole that burns, the memory I just can't remember.
Every walk, Every moment, Everything.
The ligaments, the straining skin, the awkward moments, the seas of unnatural demise.
Everything. I want to say, but I'm silent. I'm wading across the sky now. listless, and unattainable.
I'm stable, I'm totally stable.
The yearning, the yearning is old, the yearning is so old now. I don't want it, and it doesn't want me. We do not mis in a safe haven of truth.
The words are there but my lips wont part.
I need someone new.
I need something new. I was excepting that when I got back. Or at least just something of the same.
Its a breaking point, but its not, I'm just out of it right now. Just cold and hot, annoyed and cramped.
Its a harmful breath of moments long to past, its harmful. Things change, the winds will blow soon,
It needs to end. I'm sick of being so far from what I know, and I'm sick of being so close to what I know I want.
It just needs to end. It needs to start and I want to watch both sides burn. We'll all be happier that way.
Or at least thats what I'd like to believe.

I've been doing a lot of other things lately not worrying so much about the complaints of the above, not always feeling so invisible, classes have been going well. I love my English course, Literature, Identity and Representation I get to read Jane Eyre again, I get to break down a novel again. I get to use my brain for once. I'm happy in that class, I was so glad sitting there today listening and reacting to what people had to say it was refreshing.
I find my women's study course uplifting no ones afraid to speak, and though I find the idea of women over man tiring, I know the purpose of the course is what I actually believe. Its just not what is easily done, and we all want the easy right?
My anthropology class well thats really awesome I mean its anthropology. Hahaha thats my thing. I'm waiting for it to go deeper, I'm really honestly excited about it. It just somehow feels wrong now. I'm not sure what brings it up, what triggers this awkwardness and tired drunkenness. I'm just not clear what it is thats going on.
Am I just ready for a change? So soon?
Should I have stayed tonight?
Should I just walk out of the room right now? I don't think hanging with a drunk, and a almost drunk, along with a rather big, for the moment, group of people. I'm just not here, not here right now. I'm just drifting all over again haha. I don't remember the last time my feet touched ground. I can't remember the last time water burned this way.
I'm totally sick now....sigh I remember this night from the first, now I want to remember his pleasant features.

Juno.

I can see the broken glass on the floor I can see the dying rainbow bleed. Black. I can see it all in the eyes of the one who can never be. I see myself falling in love each step of seeping sin, the glass upon the floor. I can see the empty broken cold, I can feel you, I can see you. I don’t know what this feeling is, seeing myself as you, seeing your actions as my own. I can see myself wanting you. Me. I can see. Sight for lack of better sensation. Sight. I felt it once in a dream, a dream to mount all dreams. A dream to dominate. Here is raw emotion. Here is the illogical truth. Here is my Juno.
I would walk each day alone without the truth of your physical presence. For your ocean foam and dark bred eyes, The eyes that burned the cold sand from the caking melody upon my flesh. I desire you as the sun the moon chasing forever in the memory of ancient wars. Even if it was never real. I’d believe in it. For you. Even if every touch was a fabricated mythos, a pathos of drowning breading seeping secrets. Tales we tell to children. Love stories we burn. Because happiness can never be illogical, irrational, it must be formed and planned. I would have married you the moment you took my hand. I would have given birth to a self unlike my own to flesh and bleed with you. Burning sun and drowning stars are the only things that saw me. I am blind to fault of nature when your eyes form within my own. And the pain, the pain is bathed in pleasure. I would carry my life with you. Because the secret of my love, unconditional, nonsensical, unabashed horror. That drifted in from the bowls of darkness to escape the truth. Love for the light. The moon dances and flirts with the sky, with the stars, with the beauty of rivers and ocean waves, to ignore the peace of loving the sun. Who flirts with the race of time to ignore its passion always burning for the forever distant moon. We are the sun, we are the moon. We are. For when I run you chase, though I chase you as I run. You wait to shine upon me, though at times I am not lit. You see all sides and show them. And I to you move the waves in tune with my passions. I would walk a thousand nights in order to prove, nothing at all. Only that I crave you. Only. The burning ancient tales show nothing in comparison to that burning passion that lays to rest hands gripped within me. And when bodies melt, like the earths core one becomes another and turns to something new. Something so magnificent, words compare shameless. There are no words to describe, only out of fear that they lose the essence of their own. Their meaning lies within your hands, your eyes. They lay forever in the fact that, as the sun, as the moon, as the stars that drift so cold alone and distant we may never be again. We never were. Alone and drunk off fumes of us, off eyes that connect in fashion with the times, all times. All times. We never were. Thought times of moment of times of longing and periods at the end of no conversation. I burn only for you. I the moon the sun the drunken stars and ocean waves burn only for you. I am that breeze, that fireflies light without a path, the Gods dare not provoke. We. Us. Them. Thought never be, no touch no screen, only plastic. Dirty rotten flesh that breathes. Breeds. We are the sun and moon. Burning forever in the chase. Burning forever in. Glorification of a soul remarked bold by the passion of the hands. I would have married you the moment my eyes rested on you. I would have walked a death so beautiful the moment our eyes met. Brace me soul for my knees grow weak.
That my dear friend is love. Irrational, Illogical. Nonsensical.

Juno.

All I see is terrified beauty. Black.

Pastel Wisdom. (1-20-2008)

Star lines follow my eyes looking toward the bricks,
The poster child’s living lies,
Under trees and under skies,
Of birds exhausted melodies,
Bleeding, burning skies of plastic things.
Bags of puss that reminds me of you.
The longing dreaming empty you.
Star shines burning in the oceans,
Blue and black the red runs creasing the dreams again.
We are drifting, drifting under the drifting,
Again, again and done we are.
For ever trying forever trying the rains.
Tying the hands of the divine.
Star lines washing my eyes,
Clear of blue bleeding running bleeding,
We are rushing under bleeding under,
We are bleeding under.
Looking searching for you.
Looking searching
Searching to find
Find the starlight in your eyes.
Star lines bleed under my eyes,
Lashes coal and bleeding under the drifting sky.
There we are, there we were, there we aren’t,
There we were.
Star leaves crying things,
Plastic dreams, plastic skies.
Starlight fills my eyes burning the melodies dry.
Plastic dreams,
Plastic skies,
Plastic.


Sigh I'm thinking about it all over. Its not important. I just cant fall right? Lets keep that in mind while I try to clarify all of this. Remembering its all for the best.

I cant fall asleep....So I'm loading music to my laptop now how fun....
I've been thinking a bit about obsessions and how more then often they become the thing that keeps you from seeing what it is you really need or want. Its a fun distraction until you realize what its actually doing to your head. And when theres nothing to obsess about where does that leave the obsessor? Its a mundane thought because its relatively easy to answer, leaves them lacking a distraction, times could get boring. I need an obsession something to dwell in for a while until I can figure out my next move. I'm thinking school will give me that break, but if it doesn't maybe I'll try a new hobby haha 

Sigh I'm finally done packing...day early but still yay I get to go home sunday!!!!!!

Today was eventful.
Woke up rather late, believe i had a vivid dream or too...
Went everywhere with mi mum, and got presents!!!! Which I am very excited about: Lovely key chain from Hawaii awesome shirt, and the coolest things ever! haha more reading material....a collection of becketts poems, short stories and criticism that i shall be reading on the plan ride home, and sufism transformation of the heart, I already started reading it, looks intersting. Alot of the books I've found on sufism recently look like a bunch of bull this one looks like it has a bit of substance which i'm happy about.
I'm sooooo bored which is the only reason I'm posting about my lovely day. Oh! I also got my nose pierced today I'm so happy I'm done with neddles for a bit...at least until I go get my last tattoo. That one is going to be fun. hmmmmmm what else what else...I leave soon omg i cant wait to get back to Arcata, people are already there so I wont be all alone when I get back. But I'm really looking forward to it. tomorrow i'm going to go bug my old teachers and what not interrupt a few classes and all that jazz. Exciting isnt it? I'm failing at human contact these days, haven't had a decent conversation in uhhhhh well lets just say its been too long. I've also been drinking way to much coffee....which sucks but then again i like coffee so it doesnt suck hahaahahaha. I am sooo bored but I cant go to sleep.
I'm trying to recall any actually decent thoughts that may have run through my head today. I'm drawing blanks I think today all I thought about was going home hahaha oh and tomorrow had to plan that all out. I dont know what I'm going to do in so-cal for three months man even with the trip to hawaii geez a month here near killed me, dont want to fathom three...but i cant do much about it if i didnt come home my family would go searching for me....gotta love their spunk dont you? I played with the idea of traveling somewhere else, but I'd need a travel buddy haha well maybe not but I'd get alot of shit from all sides if i didnt, but that brought up the idea of money and how i'd like to have some for next year and next summer, cause I will have to do something next summer....So i thought about planning that and I now for whatever reason have a desire to go to New Zealand haha not sure where it came from but I may be going there next summer. I really should work more next semester so i actually can...
Lets see any other thoughts hmmmmm no....see this is what happens when i lack conversation....my mind goes in every direction it can and I end up stuck, just sitting staring at the tv or computer screen jumping from this to that so quickly I cant actually remember what is going on. I did that when my dad called the last time haha he talked for a while and when he started yelling for my answer i just sat there thinking i had answered but not remembering when or what i said lol it was sad. I tried to distract myself by baking and uh well that didnt do anything.All that did was produce a mess i had to clean and sugary food i now have to find a place to store. Sigh lonely angsnty sigh haha its sad because this is me complaining everythings fine but it all feels wrong and mundane. I guess i should be happy that all i have to complain about nowadays is trivial lol yay I think I've grown a bit.....geeeez sigh.....